I'm not Grateful for Anything

Rethinking How We Do November

Here we are at the cusp of November, there’s a chill in the air and Halloween candy wrappers on the ground. In the online world the posts will change from funny ghost memes and pets in pumpkin costumes to that most traditional thing for this time of year between vampire bites and Christmas cookies – Gratitude Posts.

You know them. They typically start with: “Every day this month I will list one thing I am grateful for:” and then day by day the cascade begins. “Today I am grateful for: My spouse. My kids. My dogs/cats/hamsters/fish/ferrets. My job. My friends. My cousins. My sister/brother. My vacation time. My church. My health. My doctor (if you don’t have good health), and so on. Mid-month most people run out of nouns and start thanking their morning coffee and the email that reminded them to get their car inspection sticker. Ultimately it all comes down to cheese. Who isn’t thankful for cheese???

The Performance of Thanks

Every November, the internet fills with gratitude like a buffet line, each person piling their plate with things they already have. This year, I encourage you to do something different. Whether or not we intend for these lists to be low-key bragging - they represent a form of thinking we really need to change - especially right now.

What these posts show is Transactional Gratitude - “I’m thankful because I have.” It makes the object of the gratitude the thing or the relationship instead of putting the focus on the condition of the grateful heart. It’s not wrong to appreciate and value the people and things you have in your life. Those folks deserve recognition. It feels good, like stretching in the warm sunlight of awareness.

However, it misses the truth of gratitude, which is a viewpoint, not an inventory. When we tie our gratitude to our relationships, circumstances, and possessions, we begin to depend on their presence. The moment something shifts, as all impermanent things do, the gratitude can collapse with it. When you lose a relationship, job, or item some of the heaviness we feel is our now untethered gratitude hanging uselessly with nothing to hold it up. That makes everything harder. The good news is that when gratitude no longer depends on what we hold, it begins to hold us.

Gratitude Without Objects

A better way of being is to transition from “gratitude for” to “gratitude as.”

“Gratitude for” is conditional. It’s gratitude that depends on an external cause. “I’m grateful for my love, my job, my home.” It looks outward and requires a reason to exist. When the reason disappears the feeling and positive energy of it fades away as well. Conditional gratitude is a spiritual ledger; input blessings, output gratitude.

“Gratitude as” is unconditional. It’s gratitude as a natural state of being, not a reaction. Without dependence on circumstances, it is a way you move through your world. “Gratitude as” is how we breathe, listen and live. Even in loss or emptiness, it sticks around, giving us the motivation and energy to keep going.

It’s a statement of practice, not a status post.

Have a Heart Like November

This beautiful season where we find ourselves shows us how to change our understanding of gratitude. This is the season where the trees release their leaves and the winds blow away the things that do not suit us.

November is not a month about having. It is a month of letting go.

That’s perfect because true gratitude is resilient. It exists at funerals and in failures, not just Facebook captions about what you have. Gratitude is what fills your heart, even when your hand is empty.

So how do we experience and express this kind of gratitude? By noticing, by nurturing, and by feeling. When something delights us, be willing to feel the warmth of it without owning it. When something hurts, meet the pain without closing your heart. Then gratitude becomes less about naming your blessings and more about being present for life as it really is: wondrous, messy, luminous, and fleeting.

Don’t spend the month just listing what you love. Tend what’s here. Wash the dishes with awareness, say ‘Thank you’ to everyone, anyone. Breathe in the air that asks for nothing back. Gratitude is a quiet vow to meet whatever comes with an open heart.

This year, while many are suffering from job loss, food insecurity, family discord and grief, instead of piling the accolades onto your social media plate, maybe spend this morning listening, lavishing, and holding things in your heart. Instead of shouting, “I’m grateful for…” try something different.

Whisper to a world that is begging for your heartfelt, generous presence, “I’m grateful.”